Monday, February 28, 2005

What do I know? -- Oscar edition

Let me begin with my speech. Thanks to Pete and Matt, who instant-messaged with me during virtually the entire broadcast. I wouldn't have made it through without you guys. Of course, maybe I would've gotten up and done something more productive. But thanks, anyway.

Here are the awards that should've been passed out last night. (Sorry, no pictures. You'll have to take my word on these. Or play with Google.)

Sharon Osbourne Look-Alike: Drew Barrymore.

Just Shave Your Head: Adam Duritz of Counting Crows, whose head looks more like a pineapple each year. How long has he been trying to work those white-man dreads?

Oh-God-I-Wish-It-Was-True: Robin Williams walking out with his mouth covered. Man, I wish. Robin, you used to be funny, now you’re insufferable. Please, Robin, shut up.

Should Do That More Often: Chris Rock at the Magic Johnson Theater, asking filmgoers if they've seen any of the Best Picture contenders. Obviously, the Oscars were out of touch by not handing any nominations to White Chicks.

Sorry, You Guys Really Don't Matter: Nominees for several awards - Best Makeup, Best Costume Design, and the short film categories - had to stay in their seats. (One guy pretended to fall asleep, which was funny.) Then the poor schmucks who won had to make their speeches from the back of the theater. They couldn't even go on stage for possibly the crowning achievement in their careers?

Best Cleavage: Salma Hayek. I have no idea which awards she presented and, quite frankly, I don't care. Was anyone else even on stage with Salma? I couldn't see anything else. Muy caliente!

Can't Take a Joke (or Sticking Up For His Buddy): Sean Penn, who felt the need to address Chris Rock's "Who is Jude Law?" joke while presenting the Best Actress award. Rock zinged back (sort of) after the commercial break. Maybe we'll be talking about the Rock-Penn feud for years to come. Or not.

Dressing For the Starship Enterprise: Samuel L. Jackson.

Getting More Bored as the Show Goes On: Chris Rock. Think he'll be invited back to host again? Oh well. He can do much better than the Oscars, anyway.

And here's how I did on my Oscar picks. Hey, my mom cares, okay?

My pick: Jamie Foxx
Actual winner: Morgan Freeman

• The man gets a (much deserved) standing ovation from the audience and gives one of the shortest Oscar speeches I've ever heard. Dude, I think they would've let you talk longer if you wanted to. You're Morgan Freeman!

My pick: Cate Blanchett
Actual winner: Cate Blanchett

• I think Blanchett would get my "Best Dressed" award too. She looked great. (And I'm not a fan of yellow.) She might be the best actress working today, too.

My pick: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Actual winner: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

• Charlie Kaufman could get this award every time he starts typing.

My pick: Sideways
Actual winner: Sideways

• Too bad that's the only award it could get. Not a big enough movie, I guess.

My pick: Hilary Swank
Actual winner: Hilary Swank

• She shouted down the orchestra, who tried to play her offstage. And not in a I'll-stand-up-here-as-long-as-I-want snit, like Julia Roberts.

My pick: Don Cheadle
Actual winner: Jamie Foxx

• Really, what the #$%@ was I thinking? That was the lock of the year. And he had the best acceptance speech too; it was funny and touching, without being embarrassing. (Okay, the guy who won for Best Song and sang his speech probably made the best speech.)

My pick: Martin Scorcese
Actual winner: Clint Eastwood

• Not much to say, other than I feel bad for Martin Scorsese. He'll eventually get one of those Lifetime Achievement awards, I'm sure. You wouldn't have gone wrong either way. But ol' Marty has to be wondering what he has to do to get one of those golden boys.

My pick: Million Dollar Baby
Actual winner: Million Dollar Baby

• Why did Bernie and Roz Focker get to present this one? Do we like them that much? Again, not much to say about this one, other than Eastwood has become one of the great American filmmakers. (David Poland points out that he's directed 4 of the last 8 acting award winners within the past year. How about that?)

Okay, I think that does it for Oscar talk. How many of you even watched the show?