Skeet Football, Starring Matthew Stafford

Just in case you missed it (as Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is on, well, late), the possible (likely) first overall pick in Saturday's NFL Draft appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show Thursday night. For all those Detroit Lions fans wondering what sort of player they might be getting as of approximately 4 p.m. EST on Saturday, Matthew Stafford is lethal at skeet shooting with footballs.



That could be our quarterback, Detroit. (Though I'm among those who hope the Lions draft an offensive tackle, even though they really, really need a stud quarterback.)

The Lions are formally announcing their new logo and uniforms today (which have been the worst-kept secret in Detroit sports over the past few weeks). But maybe they should put a plate on the front of the jersey instead. Stafford would hit Calvin Johnson between the numbers every time.

The Funniest Super Bowl Ad

... in Detroit, that is.

For those watching the Super Bowl in metro Detroit, one of the first commercial breaks during the game (or maybe it was during the "kick-off" show) gave us an ad funnier than anything Budweiser had to offer.



Maybe if the ad had said, "Look, we're really, really, really sorry," I'd have been more receptive. (And if it had said, "We're also really sorry you have to watch Matt Millen on NBC's pre-game show," that would've been glorious. But Channel 4 in Detroit sort of took care of that.)

And the load of cheese served up in getting new coach Jim Schwartz to pose by the scoreboard and then run onto the field would've gone great on the nacho chips I was eating at the time.

But hey, at least they're trying.

Some Water For Detroit's Football Desert?

I'm late to the party on reading Michael Lombardi's wonderfully insightful writing and reporting at National Football Post - probably because it took me a while to work my sports appetite back up after baseball season (mercifully) ended - but his stuff is a must-read for me these days.

And maybe I just need any little kernel of hope to make me feel good about the Detroit Lions now (thanks to the Arizona Cardinals) being one of five teams (three of which are newer, expansion franchises) never to make it to the Super Bowl, but I was encouraged to read this from Lombardi about the Lions' new head coach, Jim Schwartz:

I know the Lions hired a great young coach in Jim Schwartz, who is someone I believe will do a wonderful job. We hired him in Cleveland in 1992 to work with me in the personnel department. He is extremely smart (third in his class at Georgetown in economics) and hard working. He knows how to build a program, and he understands the Bill Belichick approach as well as anyone. Given enough time, he will restore the roar to the Lions.

So hopefully, The Schwartz is strong with this team. And for a guy who said the Lions were dead to him, I'm suddenly quite a bit more interested than I was at this time a year ago.

May the Schwartz Be With Us!

This is just too easy, but in honor of the Detroit Lions hiring Jim Schwartz as their new coach (a moment of silence for the poor guy), I have to post the first thing that came to mind when I heard the news.



I think the Lions got the right guy. Someone with Schwartz's pedigree - working under Jeff Fisher in Tennessee, and previous background with Bill Belichick in Cleveland - and unconventional, stats-oriented approach to the game is intriguing. (I can't wait to see how the media and fans react when he says something like "Well, fumbles are a random occurrence; good teams fumble just as often as bad teams" after the Lions have five turnovers in a game.)

It's also encouraging that other teams were interested in hiring him. I'm just not sure about the executives that made the hire. Like Michael Rosenberg in this morning's Freep, I hope the Lions let Schwartz coach his way and bring in his players. (Just remind them who has the bigger Schwartz, Coach.)

Here's a profile of Schwartz that the New York Times wrote in November.

For Those Who Had to Watch, We Salute You

Before turning the page on 2008, I have to post one more thing about Motown's gridiron heroes, the Detroit Lions.

This isn't about the firing of coach Rod Marinelli. That was a no-brainer. The man was the worst ever at his job. No one else has ever gone winless in a 16-game season. How the hell do you bring that guy back? So no surprise there.

No, this post is to stand and give a slow clap to the poor guy who had to watch all of the crappy football southeastern Michigan's most prominent professional and college teams inflicted upon its fans this year and describe it those of us who followed the games on radio. Yes, he was paid for it, as a professional broadcaster. But he also surely paid a price, having to endure some soul-crushingly bad football.

We're talking about Jim Brandstatter, color analyst for both the Michigan football and Detroit Lions radio broadcasts. Out of the 28 games he called this season, Brandstatter provided commentary for only three victories. Michigan went 3-9. The pitiful Lions failed to win a single game. He witnessed the worst season Michigan football has had in 46 years. And as we've already covered, the Lions set NFL history for losing all 16 of their games.

Hey, at least we had the option of turning off the TV or radio. (And I did that more this year than I ever have.) Not Brandy. Hopefully, the strength and discipline instilled in him when he played for Bo Schembechler at Michigan helped him through this.

Salutes must also be given to my buddy Big Al, who live-blogged every single one of the Lions' incompetent performances, in addition to posting related news and commentary each day at The Wayne Fontes Experience. (I thought blogging about the Detroit Tigers was tough.) And to my fellow SB Nation blogger Sean Yuille, who authors blogs devoted to both University of Michigan sports and the Lions. Man, that's a tough year.

Can we please turn the calendar on 2008 in Detroit sports? (Except for the Red Wings. You guys are doing a hell of a job and shouldn't be overlooked. Even though I kind of just did that.) 2009 can't possibly be as bad. Can it?

History is Upon Us!

So when the Detroit Lions set an infamous NFL record by finishing off an 0-16 season today, do you think members of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers will get together and have a champagne toast?

It would kind of be like what the 1972 Miami Dolphins do every time an undefeated team fails to break their record. (Although Snopes.com says that's a myth.) Except I imagine those '72 Bucs would be more than happy to get knocked out of the record books. (Unless they had a few Brian Kingman types on that roster.) Lee Roy Selmon and Steve Spurrier will surely gladly pass that baton of suckitude over to Dan Orlovsky and Cory Redding.

If you regularly stop by here, you know where I stand on the Lions and 0-16. I want to see it happen and resent anyone who says I'm not a true fan for that. Maybe it's delusional to think that fresh grass can only grow after the old, dry stuff is burned away, but at least that provides some hope.

Kudos and condolences to my buddy Big Al at The Wayne Fontes Experience, who will be following the march of Detroit's gridiron heroes to the historic oh-fer. Having devotedly blogged the Detroit Tigers' 2008 last-place finish, I know what a drag it can be to follow consistent losing day after day, week after week. Maybe he and I can have our own champagne toast sometime after the New Year.

Rooting For 0-16 Does Not Make Me Less of a Fan

So I'm watching "SportsWorks" on Fox 2 Sunday night, as Dan Miller, Jamie Samuelsen, and Sean Baligian try to pick apart yet another loss (the 14th of the season) by the Detroit Lions. And there's really only so much to say when the losing continues week after week. Maybe the Lions are showing a little bit of fight at the end of the season, especially as it tries to avoid becoming the first team in NFL history to go winless over a 16-game season, but with only two games left on the schedule, they're running out of chances to avoid pro football infamy.

But while discussing that very possibility, Miller asked Samuelsen and Baligian if they're part of the "moron contingent" of Lions fans that is rooting for the team to go 0-16. And when I heard that, I sat up. Because I count myself among the segment of Detroit sports fans that want to see the Lions suck on a historical level. And maybe my perception is influenced by the echo chamber of my friends, but I don't believe I'm in the minority on this. I think many Lions fans believe that the only way the team has any chance of getting better is for the ownership to suffer the kind of humiliating indignity that they'll never want to experience again.

Apparently, that makes me a "moron." Or as MLive.com's Tom Kowalski put it, not a real Lions fan.

If you want these things to happen and you still want to call yourself a Lions fan, I have a huge problem with that. It might be a silly little pet peeve of mine, but I firmly believe that once you start rooting for your team to lose, you're no longer a fan.

My response to Miller and Kowalski on this consists of two words.

Fuck you.

(What, did you think they'd be "Merry Christmas"? I'm sorry, but no other words better capture how I feel about this.)


Let me get this straight: two members of the credentialed Detroit sports media - who are paid to attend games and watch them from what is essentially an office environment in the press box - are going to tell people whether or not they're fans? Miller, as the radio play-by-play man for the Lions, is literally a professional mouthpiece for the team. Kowalski is presumably impartial as a beat reporter, but when you spend that much time around a group of coaches, players, and executives, it's impossible to remain completely objective. And he doesn't.

Am I less of a Lions fan than I was three years ago? Absolutely! This team - and its entire organization - has given me nothing to root for. Their games are a frustrating, joyless ordeal. And I can't even watch another, better team that might play more enjoyable football. (Believe me; I've tried to find a new team. But what fun is it to root for Pittsburgh's team? Or New York's team?) The Lions have actually drained my love of the sport right out of me.

Would I be more of a fan to blindly surrender my loyalty to a team that has given its fans an utterly inferior - and progressively worse - product for eight years? Am I not a fan because I want the team that represents my community to get better and know, deep down, that it can only be rebuilt once it's completely destroyed?

Miller and Kowalski dispute that line of thinking, asserting that changes are going to be made, so there's ultimately no difference between a 1-15 and 0-16 season. No, there is every bit of difference. Other teams have gone 1-15 or 2-14 before. No team has gone winless. And if the Detroit Lions have to carry that weight around their collective necks, maybe they'll work that much harder to make us forget what a laughingstock they've been.

The fact that I'm hoping for that, that I care enough to have typed out 600 words about all this, makes me a fan. How dare someone in the media try to tell me otherwise.

The Long Millen Nightmare is Over

People of Detroit, there is once again hope for your football team.

Millen out as Lions president, GM

Quite possibly the worst executive in the history of professional team sports has received a long, long overdue dismissal. By kicking this clown to the curb, the Detroit Lions instantly go from NFL-wide laughing stock to a smouldering pile of rubble ready to be reconstructed.


And with that, the team I insisted was dead to me is showing a heartbeat. (And some balls!) Mom, you still might be able to see the Lions win in your lifetime!

First, Kwame; now, Millen. Of course, the Lions' 2008 season is still utterly, completely fucked over. But I might actually believe in now.

Football - Sorrow & Joy

From a Roar To a Whimper

Last Sunday, my beloved Detroit Lions lost to the Washington Redskins, 17-10, and I failed to be a man and answer for that to my friend in Maryland, who's a big 'Skins fan. All season long, I'd been talking trash, taking joy in the fact that my Lions were playing well while her Redskins were struggling. A win for Detroit seemed assured, which I made clear. Unfortunately, the Lions played one of their worst games of this season, and after a surprising start have now fallen back to their typical inept play. One would think I'd learn after all these years.


So since I didn't send an e-mail to take my medicine, Stephanie, I'll do it here on my blog. My Lions stink. The Redskins are their daddy. I will now go back under my rock and sulk.

Nothing Like the First Time

And I haven't written about my first University of Iowa football game last week vs. Purdue. The weather was great: sunny and 70 degrees. Mother Nature wanted me to have a good time. The game didn't disappoint either. Purdue made it close at the end, but Iowa generally dominated the game and won 23-21. The only thing I missed out on was eating one of the famous "Big Ass Turkey Legs." (The sign on the food stand actually says that.) They looked good, but I didn't want to carry around a giant drumstick of meat. Maybe some other time, when I can share one...


Did I take this photo? Yes, I ran onto the field, snapped this and ran off, quick as a flash. Coach Kirk Ferentz wants to sign me up as a running back for next season. No, all the photos I took with my spy-sized digital camera didn't turn out very well. I'm a terrible photographer, especially with a camera so small that it's affected by my slightest movement. All you could tell from my photos was that I was outside and that someone with a giant head was sitting in front of me. Too bad, because I would've loved a record of the experience. (I really wanted a picture of "Big Ass Turkey Legs," too.)

My sister will hate hearing this, but the Iowa fans are a lot louder and much more enthusiastic than the Michigan fans. Some say the design of Michigan stadium, with a bowl that stretches back farther, lets more noise escape. Maybe that's true, but I do think Michigan fans are quieter. They sit back and expect their team to win. Iowa fans feel like they can influence the game with their cheering. It makes a big difference.

I've become an old man when it comes to attending football games. (Baseball games are different to me. Someday I'll write about why that is.) "Oy, it's too crowded and uncomfortable. I hate being wedged in between people - what if I have to go to the bathroom? And I can see the game much better at home on TV." But a college football game has a lot of atmosphere that can only be appreciated in person. The variety of fans (the old-timers, the students, the townies), the marching band playing fight songs (I still have to work on learning Iowa's) and rallies, school colors, and raucous enthusiasm - ain't nothin' like it.

One more thing about Iowa football: I know this will sound goofy, but two years ago, I visited Minneapolis, thinking I'd move there. It was difficult to find a place to stay because the hotel rooms were all taken by Iowa fans, in town to see the Hawkeyes play Minnesota. But once I did find a room (and desperately paid a ridiculous amount for a room bigger than my current apartment), I met some Iowa fans in the lobby and was impressed by how nice they were. And I was impressed that so many of these people had made the five-hour trip to cheer on their school. I missed being in an environment like that.


(After Iowa won the game, by the way, those fans ran onto the field - at the other team's stadium - to celebrate winning a share of the Big Ten conference title. Those crazy kids tore down one of the goalposts! I would imagine Minnesota is still sore about that.)

I'm not going to say that I decided to go to Iowa that day, because that's just not true. But for a guy that was looking for a sign to tell him which direction to go, I sometimes wonder if the seed was planted that day. On the drive back to Michigan, I'd decided that I wasn't going to move to Minneapolis. Shortly after that, I remembered that Iowa had a great writing program. The rest could be history...