Tuesday, February 01, 2005


To quote the cut-out cartoons on the Guinness commercials: "Brilliant!" I'm a day or so behind with this, so maybe you've already heard about it. But if you haven't, Anheuser-Busch is introducing a new beer that contains caffeine. I'll quote from Peter Carlson's article in the Washington Post, because he explains the beverage's name much better than I could.

"The beer is called B{+E} -- with the E raised up, like an exponent in math, which is why the name is pronounced "B to the E." (The B stands for Budweiser. The E stands for extra.)"
The guy who created this is either desperate to hang onto his job, has too much time on his hands, or wants to get fired - I haven't figured out which yet. Actually, his name is Nathaniel Davis, and according to him, the drink "has an aroma of blackberry and a little bit of cherry, which is unexpected." Boy, I'll say. But he's not done yet. "It has typical beer flavors, like hops and malt, and it finishes with what we're calling the wow factor."

And the "wow factor" is a "bright, slightly sweet tart finish." I bet a cup of urine has the same kick, Nate, but I'm not about to drink that.

No way you're getting me to order something called "B to the E" in a bar. I don't care if it keeps me awake while wanting to pass out. And, oh dear God, if you thought your friend - the "I love you, man" drunk - was already annoying, wait until he's bouncing off the walls and can't stop talking. ("Listenlistenlistenlisten! No, c'mon, man, listenlistenlisten. Itsoundscrazyyou'regonnathinkthisisstupid. But listen. Weshouldstartachickrockband. EXCEPT - we'dbethechicksdressedindraghellyeahIbetyouhavegreattitsman!")

But I think the real losers in this will be anyone who has to go to the bathroom in a bar. Let's see, beer makes you piss a lot. Caffeine makes you piss a lot. (Or maybe I'm just associating that with coffee.) How much piss can a human being possibly produce? Maybe "B to the E" should come with a tube and a bag. "Heymancheckitoutmyownbag! Heymypisslooksreallyyellowman!"