Iron Man and The Dark Knight Don't Have This

I'm not a regular reader of Page Six, but occasionally some news breaks that just can't be ignored. From today's New York Post:

Scarlett Johansson has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's upcoming "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping."

Gasping with surprise or gasping for air?

I haven't cared for most of Woody Allen's recent offerings (and the title "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" is awful), but I'm open to rethinking that stance. I'm also willing to re-evaluate my opinion that Johansson is a terribly overrated actress (except for Lost in Translation) who gets work because directors probably fall in love with her.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I included a photo of a smiling Javier Bardem, click on the NYP link and read the second-to-last sentence. I imagine he wanted more than a few takes to get those scenes just right.

(via Pop Candy)

Scarlett who? Nope, didn't see it.

I've been told by the Fried Rice Thoughts Board of Directors that I'm approximately four Scarlett Johansson blog entries away from being issued a restraining order. So I'm hesitant to address this particular topic. But I received several overnight e-mails concerning Ms. Scarlett and her Golden Globes attire for last night's Golden Globes award show, so it seems only polite to respond here.

Hell yes, I saw that! I almost incurred serious injury while walking by the TV when she appeared on the red carpet. Sweet sassy molassey. There are moments in this life when men are truly happy to be men. Scarlett Johansson created one of them last night. My knees are buckling, just thinking about it.

I should also announce at this time that I would like to give up my dreams of finding gainful employment as a writer, in favor of aspiring to become a gay red carpet correspondent, a la Isaac Mizrahi on E! last night. After asking Ms. Scarlett what sort of underwear she was wearing (to which she responded, "Very little. It's built into the dress."), Mizrahi confirmed this curiosity in dress design with his own hands. Literally. The man felt up Scarlett Johansson right there on the red carpet. Men have gotten thrown in jail for lesser groping instances.

Right then and there, I had a new hero.

I flipped between the Golden Globe Awards and 24 last night, so missed several other water cooler moments, such as drunk Harrison Ford. I'll try to catch the rerun this weekend on Bravo. But glancing at the list of winners makes me happy, as Walk the Line, Brokeback Mountain, and Capote each received well-deserved awards. And the Fried Rice Thoughts offices are very pleased with Hugh Laurie winning for his work on House.

▪▪ Here's Gothamist's live blog of the show.

▪▪ And Defamer has some great screen captures to check out. (And not all of them involve cleavage.)

No one told me about this!

Scarlett Johansson hosted Saturday Night Live?! I had no idea until I was flipping channels and caught the last half-hour of SNL - which is always the crappiest part of the show.

Nobody told me this was going to be on. Have I... have I gotten spoiled from you people being so good to me?

I missed the show! When will NBC play a rerun? Almost 90 minutes of Scarlett, and I missed it! Did anyone tape it?

Why didn't I check the TV listings? Why didn't I... I... I'm... getting angry. You... won't... like... me... when...

Rrrraaaaahh! Hulk smash!


Want to watch Scarlett! Even if it's on Saturday Night Live! Rrrraraaah!!

I've got a movie itch

Here's a pet peeve for the weekend: Movies I want to see that open in New York and Los Angeles first. (Stop laughing, Mis Hooz.)


Look, I know I'll get a chance to see Brokeback Mountain at some point. Maybe even next week. But after reading so much about it, and seeing Ang Lee and Heath Ledger interviewed on The Charlie Rose Show this week, I'm ready to see it now. And it's not here. Screwed again in the Midwest, man.

While I'm waiting, however, the New Yorker has done something very cool, posting Annie Proulx's original short story, upon which the movie's based, on its website. (Thanks to Pop Candy, which has become one of my favorite blogs, for the heads-up.)

▪ ▪ David Poland has changed his views on the film, after repeated viewings, which has been interesting to read. (Watch out for the spoilers.) I wish more film critics would do this.

▪ ▪ I've also enjoyed reading Dave Cullen's anticipation of the movie and explanation of why this movie it's so important to him. He's written and collected a lot about it, which can be found here.

On another movie note, have you seen the trailer for Match Point? If not, it looks like an exciting thriller, and not just because my fantasy girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson, is in it. But if you have, were you surprised when you saw who directed the film, like I was?

Meanwhile, Syriana looks like a good one. I'll try to catch that this weekend. George Clooney is my brother in beardom.

(Image from "The Boondocks" © 2005 Aaron McGruder)

Happy Halloween!

So let's celebrate. One year! Today is a celebration! I'll ride the coattails of Halloween - I don't care. Drugs, drink, dancing! (Yes, dancing!) Scarlett Johansson just called and said she's flying in to commemorate the occasion, which is so sweet of her because she probably has some other movie to film. And she gets a little jealous when I do body shots with strippers, which is soooo cute. The Access Hollywood people wanted to come in and tape a segment, but I told Billy Bush I wasn't interested unless he helped rake the leaves in my backyard. Hey, work before play, man.

Unfortunately, all this means I'll be too busy to pass out candy to the kids tonight. And that disappoints me because, as you know, I love the children. They're our future. (And they can be really good at raking leaves, if you get their little arms working at it.)

If I do happen to be home when you're trick-or-treating, however: Kids, no lights on means NO FUCKING CANDY, okay? Here's my blog entry - one of my first, y'all! - from last Halloween, when I actually tried to be friendly to the children. This is what happens when you try to be nice.

You have to wear a costume!

And courtesy of Mis Hooz, here's a Halloween story from Delaware that will warm your heart. Here's another tip for you kids tonight: If there's a body hanging from one of the houses you're trick-or-treating at, you might want to let your parents know. It looks real for a reason, kids.

Weekend mix

• Does anyone else have someone in their lives that adds unnecessary drama to relatively trivial events? Someone who spouts ridiculously embarrassing hyperbole ("really suffering," "a major burden of life") in order to give rather pedestrian circumstances some sort of artificial significance? Why do such people do this? Is it a sign that the scope of their lives is just too small? Do they need the drama to make their lives seem more important? Just curious. I'm - ahem - speaking completely in hypotheticals, of course.

• "In Good Company" is a good movie, but I wonder if it suffers at the box office (#4 last weekend) from marketing. It seems like the studio isn't quite sure how to sell this one. Is it a satire of corporate culture? Is it about older, yet not-ready-for-retirement professionals being pushed out by young, ambitious up-and-comers? Yes, on both counts. But I think it's also about the fulfillment of a complete life, not just career success.

And maybe that's why I enjoyed this movie - it's got several layers to it. Not all of them work - maybe because the story should've eventually found a focus - but Dennis Quaid and Topher Grace are so good that they make you care what happens to their characters, and that covers up some of the movie's flaws. Also, Scarlett Johansson is much better than the part she's given. Yet she takes what she has and makes something interesting and believable out of it. It's hard to believe this is the same woman from "Lost in Translation."

• A note of gratitude to Lysol® Mildew Remover for taking care of some ugly black spots that were growing near my windows. (Nothing says "Hey, you should come over to my apartment" to the cute cashier at Target more than buying mildew remover.) The apartment smells a little bleachy, but some open windows and a fan (in 20-degree weather - whoo!) took good care of that. Black spots, bye-bye. I wish I'd have taken "before" and "after pictures.

• I noticed the NFL's San Francisco 49ers hired Mike Singletary as assistant head coach yesterday. Singletary was a fearsome linebacker for the Chicago Bears during the 1980s, who always intrigued me as a kid because he had a teddy bear face with intense, bulging eyes that looked as if he'd tear out your belly and eat it. I wish I had a picture of those eyes, but can't find one. Hopefully, this assistant coach position is the next step toward a head-coaching job for Singletary.

• Let me repeat: Patriots 20, Steelers 16. Eagles 31, Falcons 23.

• One more football note: here's an interesting column from Sally Jenkins in the Washington Post that wonders exactly why some quarterbacks like New England's Tom Brady excel in late-game pressure situations, while others wilt under the stress. (Why do some students do well on practice tests, but freeze up when the stakes are real?) Is there something in Brady's physiology that enables him to perform well in those circumstances? He was cool under pressure in his college days at the University of Michigan too.

• And the real reason I'm not getting anything done this weekend? VH1's "I Love the 90s - Part Deux." This series is television crack for me. I'm not sure why this version is better than the first attempt at "I Love the 90s" - Funnier topics? Better talking heads/"commentators"? I'm just glad it's the beginning of the semester.