Tuesday, May 03, 2005

She took my balls to Albuquerque

I wasn't going to write about this ridiculous "runaway bride" story that received way too much attention from the cable news networks over the weekend, but after I signed on, I saw this eye-popping headline.

Groom Still Wants to Marry Runaway Bride

You, sir, are an idiot and a moron. You got a Get Out of Marriage Free card, and you're blowing it.

"Just because we haven't walked down the aisle, just because we haven't stood in front of 500 people and said our I Do's, my commitment before God to her was the day I bought that ring and put it on her finger, and I'm not backing down from that," this dip$#!+ said in an interview with FOX News's Sean Hannity.

She did you a favor, pal - she showed you she was bat$#!+ crazy before you got married. Better to find out now, rather than two years from now when she completely loses it because you fart in bed and still won't leave the toilet seat down.

This wasn't just "cold feet." Cold feet is hiding in your mother's basement the week of the wedding. Cold feet is driving to Mexico before the ceremony. Cold feet is asking your best friend to run his car over your legs so you have to be in the hospital instead of at the chapel. Cold feet is just flat out telling the person you're about to marry, "Hey, I don't want to get married. I still want to #$@% other people."

This crazy b!+@# bought a bus ticket a week before the wedding. She took a Greyhound from Atlanta, stopped in Dallas, and then went to Las Vegas - exactly the place to go when you want to clear your head. From there, she bussed to Albuquerque, where she finally called police and lied about being kidnapped, concocting a story about a man and woman jumping her from behind and sticking her in a blue van at gunpoint. Oh, and she cut her hair to change her appearance. (If only she'd taken that left turn at Albuquerque...)

She's going to jail, buddy. At the very least, she's getting sued by authorities for the cost of searching for her crazy @$$. ($40,000-$60,000, if you were wondering.) Drop her now, while you have the chance. No one would blame you. Everyone would understand.

"Ain't we all messed up? Ain't we all made mistakes?" Mr. Emasculated asked.

Dude, you are so p-whipped. You're not even married and you've already given her the pants. You're an embarrassment to your gender.