Thursday, May 12, 2005

Mr. Whizz-ard

I imagine some of you have heard about this already (I caught it on yesterday's Pardon the Interruption), but for those of you who haven't, you can thank me later. While searching through the luggage of pro football player Onterrio Smith, airport security found vials of white powder and a prosthetic penis. Hey, someone's going to a party, right? Well, no.

The white powder in those vials was dried urine. Seriously. Smith told the police that the urine and fake penis were parts of a kit called... "The Original Whizzinator."

No, Smith wasn't high at the time. There is really something called "The Original Whizzinator." Check it out. (Remember, a fake penis is part of the device, so you might not want to check this at work.) It's used to pass drug tests. Well, I hope that's what it's used for. If you're creative enough to find other uses for it, maybe you should be working for NASA or making gadgets for James Bond.

So this is how the Whizzinator, um, whizzes: The prosthetic penis is attached to a jockstrap and a plastic bag. Mix the dried urine with water, put it in the bag, and voila - you're passing a drug test, Cheech.

Friends, the Whizzinator is also an equal opportunity device. You can order penises in either white, tan, latino, brown, or black. (Maybe you shouldn't order one while you're high. "Sure, that's mine. It's that color because I have a skin condition.") And Whizzinators aren't just for the guys. The ladies get one too.

These guys have all the bases covered. Dried urine can be ordered separately, if that's all you need - or if it's time to restock your supply.

By the way, Onterrio Smith has tested positive for marijuana twice in his two-year NFL career.