The future is now

I remember when Mis Hooz showed me her coffeemaker with a timer that started brewing coffee at 7 am. I thought our society had reached a pinnacle of technology.

"It brews for you?" I asked, stroking the coffeemaker and jumping up and down, much like the monkeys at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

It brews by itself, mother#&$%er! Brilliant!

But that was just the beginning. Now, thanks to Wolfgang Puck, we have cups of coffee that can heat themselves. Who has time to stand in front of the coffeemaker, waiting for the brew to drip into the pot? Pod coffeemakers? Soooo 2004!

Tony Cenicola/The New York Times

Just push a button on the bottom of this sucker and six minutes later, you've got a cup of 145 degree coffee. Heating through chemical reaction, people! That has to be better than the 15-20 minutes in line at Starbucks in the morning. And it beats my routine: boiling water, and then pouring it through a small drip cone. (Or even worse - using those coffee "teabags." Ugh.) The waiting! Oh, the #&$%ing waiting!

It's not just stopping with coffee, either! Hot chocolate! Oatmeal! Baby formula! Sake! Sake? Yes, sake! Microwaves? They're for pussies, my friend. Give 'em away now; you won't need 'em. That's the past, man. The future is self-heating food. I'll be able to bring a Tombstone pizza on a road trip with me, hit a button and - whoosh! - a cardboard-crusted pepperoni pie ready in minutes, right there on the passenger seat. (Hopefully, the upholstery won't be affected.)

Of course, it'll all taste like $#!+...