Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The precarious status of my Man Card

It looks like I could be in trouble. With the Man Card committee, that is.

After hearing of my violation due to regularly watching Dancing with the Stars, I was told my eligibility would be under review for a 30-day probationary period. The card might have been revoked if not for the fact that many hot, limber (and leggy) women participate in the show. Such a consideration likely granted me mercy. Unfortunately, only 14 of the probationary days passed before I committed what will likely (very likely) be perceived as another violation.

I watched almost all of the ladies' figure skating short program from the Winter Olympics last night.

This morning, I took my mother out for coffee and we talked about it. Sentences such as "Wow, Sasha Cohen skated really well last night," "Oh man, I felt bad for that Russian girl," and "Irina Slutskaya would be cuter with different hair" flowed easily from my lips between sips of House Blend and bites of sesame bagel. Of course, I also remarked upon the attractiveness of these ladies, which will be presented in arguments before the committee. (At this time, I should also point out that such comments were framed very carefully, considering the young ages of several of the skaters.)

Here's another argument I might present: It takes a man to admit this $#!+, okay? It takes some cojones to look ridicule in the face and confess to rising out of my seat whenever Emily Hughes went up for one of those triple-whatchamacallit jumps. A guy who is confident enough to say his stomach seized with anxiety until Cohen landed on the ice without buckling and falling has huevos, pal. And only someone who's tremendously secure in his smouldering heterosexuality can watch Slutskaya, the gold medal favorite from Russia, nail her jumps almost effortlessly and say, "That girl has moxie."

I. Am. A. Man. (I'm pounding my desk with each word for emphasis. Like men do.)

And I watch figure skating. And you know what? I enjoyed the hell out of it last night. I'm even going to watch Olympic Ice on USA Network tonight, so I can watch analysis and commentary of the short program. And get this: I've been watching that show regularly since the Winter Olympics started. Because, as USA Today said, it's a damn good show. And funny.

Hell yes, I'm watching the ladies' free skate on Thursday night. You can come over and join me. We'll drink beer, eat pizza, blech, scratch ourselves, and yell at the TV. Like men do. Real men.

(Photo by Yuri Kadobnov - AFP/Getty Images)