Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Pulled Pork? I Think I'll Pass, Jim...

Some of you probably saw or heard about this on the news yesterday. I read the report in the afternoon, was kind of disgusted, and thought I'd forget about it soon afterwards. But then I saw it mentioned on television, and as we all know, it's more legitimate when it's on the teevee.

The story goes like this: Over the weekend in Alabama, an 11-year-old kid apparently bagged the biggest, #@$%ing mutant pig you've ever seen. How big? Try 1051 pounds.

The logic centers of my brain want to cry bull$#!+, as I try to tell myself that the kid in the picture must be 20 feet behind the pig that has to be in the foreground of the frame. I mean, to think otherwise is to acknowledge a horror that I'm not sure I'm ready to comprehend.

First of all, are there really mutant beasts like this running around? If so, we could be in huge trouble if the animals ever decide to revolt and take back this planet.

A 1000 lb. wild boar?!? And according to the reports, that slab of bacon measured more than nine feet across. That thing is a behemoth. It's a #@$%ing monster, man. If that pig and my little Honda Civic were running at each other head-on, I'm pretty sure my car wouldn't survive. Think about if that thing decided to take a run at the side of your house. You'd need Extreme Home Makeover the next day.

I also might have to face the possibility that an 11-year-old kid has bigger balls than me, because if a beast that size came at me, I'd probably soil my shorts, drop to my knees, and start praying to a higher power while tears ran down my face. Or if I had a gun, maybe I'd shoot it. Hell, maybe I'd shoot myself.

And that brings me to the other thing I find troubling about this story (once I get over the fact that there are 1,000-pound pigs running around on this planet): This kid shot the great big boar eight times, and then chased it through the woods for three hours before finishing it off at point-blank range. To me, that sounds like the kind of story you hear about after a serial killer's been arrested and he's being psychologically profiled on the news.

No, I'm not equating hunting with serial killing. It's a sport many people participate in, and I don't really have a problem with it. I'm trying to make a joke. Sort of. When you're facing something that large, I'm sure self-defense is a natural instinct. Take another look at that picture. Young Leonidas killing a wolf in 300 looks like kind of a pussy in comparison. Maybe we should be thanking this kid for protecting us.

I just don't have much of an appetite for pork products right now. No bacon or sausage for me today, thanks. That's really all I'm saying.

[via Deadspin]