Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Above all, do no harm?

Okay, I'm sure I knew the truth at some point. I should've seen the inevitable conflict coming. But either my brain just wasn't making the obvious connection or I'd suppressed this knowledge deep into my subconscious.

Until last night, I didn't realize that Scrubs and House would be on at the same time, Tuesday at 9 pm.

I looked at the TV schedules at the end of the summer. I knew when my favorite shows would make their season premieres. I should've marked the dates in red marker on my calendar. Better yet, I should've bought a calendar to mark in red. But maybe there's a reason I didn't. Maybe this is something that I knew, deep down, I didn't want to face.

Fortunately, last night's House was a rerun. But I'd become too accustomed to spending my Tuesday night's with Dr. Cameron to just turn the channel and watch something else. I've become a big fan of her bedside manner. Oh, and I think she's hot, too.

But Scrubs isn't just "something else." Every episode is a live-action cartoon. I love those characters. They're funny. I like to laugh. Laughter helps me show off my beautiful teeth. It quells the roiling bile in my stomach. The tension in my neck, temples, and jaw disappears.

Last night, I called Mis Hooz to share my pain. What was I going to do? This was my Sophie's Choice.

As always, she was there for me. She listened to my whining, crying, and fretting while I was curled up in the fetal position, soaking my sheets with sweat, and trying to hold the remote control in my trembling hand. After she stopped laughing, she said what many others have wondered. "Why don't you have TiVo yet, dude? You gotta get on that."

While I'm at it, why don't I just hope Superman will fly in and save me, too? Every Tuesday, after House is over, he can fly around the world, make the earth spin backwards, turn back time to 8:59 pm, and let me watch Scrubs. (And that's the second day in a row I've made the "Superman flew around the world to turn back time" reference, which means it should be retired for at least six months.)

Even in my Cro-Magnon VCR household, I can tape one show while I watch the other. But that only solves part of the dilemma? Which show will I tape? Which one will I watch in real time? Which show will have the lines of dialogue that'll compel me to rewind and listen to them again? What if I choose the wrong show to tape that week? What if I loved a sarcastic zinger by Dr. House, but taped Scrubs? What if J.D. did something totally hilarious, but I taped House?

I'm supposed to be enjoying my TV shows, not agonizing over which one to watch. Why do you do this to me, TV doctors? You're supposed to heal, not hurt! What happened to the hippocratic oath, man? Figure this out and fix it!