Similes are useless when it's this hot

I'm not going to mince words here. It's hot. Damn hot. Real hot. So hot. Hot as... well, I won't give you the comparison I gave Mis Hooz. But it's hot. Hot as pouring Tabasco down your pants after rubbing yourself down with Icy Hot.

I know it's hot everywhere for everyone, so I'm not going to complain. Besides, it's my fault that my house doesn't have air conditioning, sitting in front of the computer is now a grueling task (thus the sparse blogging), and I sleep in a sweaty mess - if I can even fall asleep while the air is super-charged with humidity.

But after Mis Hooz sent me this post from Gothamist suggesting that areas with vegetation are the coolest and should be sought out for a respite from the heat, I got to thinking.

Would I be able to double the benefits of sprawling myself in vegetation if I did so in the produce section of a grocery store? I'd have vegetation and air conditioning.

And would it be better to lay upon the romaine lettuce on my stomach or on my back? What would be more hygienic? What would upset the grocery store staff less?