Oh, what fresh hell is this?

I should be typing this post from a jail cell, where I would've been thrown after assaulting a man in public earlier this afternoon. But I took a deep breath, thought of frolicking with the newly single Uma Thurman (I'm back in the game, baby!) on a Hawaiian beach, and reached that Zen place I usually only find after a finishing off a fifth of Jameson during an Arrested Development DVD marathon.

It wasn't easy, though. Lunch at the Mongolian Barbeque with a friend I hadn't seen in a while was supposed to be pleasant and fun, but it felt like I spent most of the hour behind a jackass yammering on his cell phone while trying to assemble his meal.

I'm sure most of you are probably familiar with these types of places, but for those who might not be, here's the drill: You fix your own stir-fry meal. All of the raw vegetables, meats, spices, and sauces are laid out for you, buffet-style. You throw your veggies in a bowl, top 'em with your raw beef, chicken, or seafood of choice, flavor it up with sauce and spice, and then give the concoction to someone standing at a giant grill who then cooks the whole thing for you in minutes. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

So you probably see how one might need two hands free for this exercise. Trying to hold a bowl in one hand while picking up pieces of raw meat with tongs, but talking on the cell phone held in your other hand just doesn't sound like a good idea, does it?

Hey, maybe trying to cradle the phone between your head and shoulder so both your hands are free will work. No, it won't. Your head's too big. The phone's too small. And oh, by the way, you're about to drop that phone INTO A TUB OF RAW MEAT.

Do you see the potential for something unsanitary occurring here? Or total disaster? Can you understand how the poor sap (or saps) standing behind this total moron might get a little annoyed while waiting for him to realize situations like this are why hands-free headsets were created? Could he at least work out some semblance of physical logic, manage some consideration for his fellow lunch patrons, or decide that his banal conversation about someone's birthday party could've been put off for five minutes?

Is it easy to imagine how a certain blogger's eyes might begin turning green, as his temples throb and teeth grind while his inner Bill Bixby tries to contain the raging Lou Ferrigno within?

Deep, calming breaths, and thoughts of flowers, puppies, and sunshine were all that kept me from stabbing two chopsticks into either side of this tool's neck.

I just wanted to enjoy a nice lunch and catch up with my buddy. Instead, I had to watch a buffoon play slapstick with a plastic bowl, raw meat, and a cell phone. My sister says I need to work on my temper and stop saying or wishing mean things onto people. Do you think she would be disappointed in me for hoping this idiot would either contract salmonella on his fingers or find his way in front of an oncoming bus after leaving the restaurant?

On the bright side, my shrimp, squid, and scallops stir-fry was delicious. I, dear readers and friends, can assemble a kick-ass bowl of mongolian barbeque.