Happy Halloween!

So let's celebrate. One year! Today is a celebration! I'll ride the coattails of Halloween - I don't care. Drugs, drink, dancing! (Yes, dancing!) Scarlett Johansson just called and said she's flying in to commemorate the occasion, which is so sweet of her because she probably has some other movie to film. And she gets a little jealous when I do body shots with strippers, which is soooo cute. The Access Hollywood people wanted to come in and tape a segment, but I told Billy Bush I wasn't interested unless he helped rake the leaves in my backyard. Hey, work before play, man.

Unfortunately, all this means I'll be too busy to pass out candy to the kids tonight. And that disappoints me because, as you know, I love the children. They're our future. (And they can be really good at raking leaves, if you get their little arms working at it.)

If I do happen to be home when you're trick-or-treating, however: Kids, no lights on means NO FUCKING CANDY, okay? Here's my blog entry - one of my first, y'all! - from last Halloween, when I actually tried to be friendly to the children. This is what happens when you try to be nice.

You have to wear a costume!

And courtesy of Mis Hooz, here's a Halloween story from Delaware that will warm your heart. Here's another tip for you kids tonight: If there's a body hanging from one of the houses you're trick-or-treating at, you might want to let your parents know. It looks real for a reason, kids.