You have to wear a costume!

Can you complain about what you get in your trick-or-treat bag if you DON'T EVEN WEAR A COSTUME??

This is the punk-ass brat I was faced with last night, trying to be a nice guy because I felt bad about kids going door-to-door and no one giving 'em candy. I initially tried to avoid the trick-or-treaters by hiding in the bathroom whenever I heard knocking. But I had a paper to work on, so I wasn't going to stay in there for two hours. (If only I had mexican for lunch - HA!) So back to the computer I went. Never mind that I had the lights dimmed and stayed away from the windows. Apparently, I needed a "I have no candy, please stop knocking and go away" sign on my door.

Of course, I would've knocked on such a door when I was a kid too. And it was remembering lil' Ian that made me open the door and greet the kids. Unfortunately, I didn't have much. Here's a pack of gum, little ballerina. How about a handful of Jolly Ranchers for you, Mr. Samurai? And for you, Officer Riot Cop (did a parent think of that one?), here's some toffee candy a friend gave me as a gift. Happy Halloween! They were happy, I felt good - and I was done for the night.

Except another batch of kids followed before I could close the door, go back to working on my paper, and yell "NO CANDY" whenever someone knocked. And these were the kids that had no costumes. They were just running around in plainclothes, with plastic Walmart bags open, looking for free candy. Is that the kind of effort that should be rewarded?

But after emptying my bags of Jolly Ranchers and toffee candies, all I'm left with is... granola bars. Hey, excuse me for wanting to up the health content for our children! I'd take a Nature Valley Oats & Honey bar most days over a Snickers! (Of course, I'm old and eat Grape Nuts for breakfast...) Hey, I know it's lame! So I toss granola bars in the last two kids' bags, which elicits an "Aw, man!" from one. The other one began to walk away, then stepped back and asked if he could get trade his granola bar for Jolly Ranchers instead.

How did I handle this?

"Kid, you don't even have a costume on. You don't get to trade. Happy Halloween!" And I shut the door. Hours later, I even finished that paper.

No eggs splattered against my window this morning...