The mask of Zocor

With Halloween six days away, I just realized that it's probably too late to plan my costume for this year. I suppose I could always go with the old stand-by, and throw together an Ace bandage, trenchcoat, fedora, and sunglasses to be The Invisible Man, but I've done that a couple of times. I also have time to try and grow a mustache, so I could just roll out of bed and be Earl Hickey.

But I might have to explain that one to people, and to me, Halloween costumes are like jokes; if you have to explain them, they're not working.

("See, you expected me to dress up for Halloween, but I didn't. So I'm, like, irony. Get it?")

What procrastination did cost me, however, is the chance to buy a Burger King mask. I could've been The King for only $9, but unfortunately, the mask is all sold out. And I didn't even know it existed. (Credit where it's due: I found out about the mask from this Slate article by Seth Stevenson, who thinks there was an insidious e-mail writing campaign to get him to write about the mask and generate "buzz.") It seemed like a perfectly fine idea, but then again, I really wasn't giving it that much thought.

Too bad, because it could've been fun to stand outside my neighbors' windows and offer them Enormous Omelet Sandwiches. ("I'll feed it to your children!") What's more terrifying, that sandwich or the super-creepy grin on The King's face?

If you really want terrifying, by the way, go to the website where Burger King is selling these masks. Also offered is the Subservient Chicken mask, which must be a joke or ad campaign I completely missed somewhere along the way. If you move your cursor over either The King or Chicken, they will lunge at you and scream. Hmm, is that hunger I'm feeling in my stomach or horror? Look at that thing. man - it's enough to make me eat tofu for the rest of my life.

Maybe I'll pass on the costume this year. For one thing, I don't plan on going to any Halloween parties. And I'm sure as hell not passing out candy to the kids. On second thought, I could scare them off chicken for the rest of their lives...