Friday, July 14, 2006

Readin' in the boys' room

During my after-dinner pee a couple of nights ago, I read something that I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around.

To me, one of the fringe benefits of using a dirty bathroom is that there's often all kinds of jokes and messages scrawled on the walls surrounding the various toilet fixtures. Once in a rare while, some of the stuff's pretty funny. But most of the time, the material's just not very good. I've called some of those phone numbers. They didn't really pan out for me.

Well, I don't know where to categorize what I read at a Royal Oak ethnic restaurant on Wednesday. Maybe you guys can help me out. Here's what I read above the urinal:

I love Darth Vader's wife in your ass.

I stood there long after my business was finished, trying to decipher exactly what that could've meant. Now I'm guessing it was something of a "jam," where someone added their own little flourish to what he perceived as an unfinished work. Since the ink was faded and the handwriting styles weren't all that different, however, it was hard to tell.

So it probably started out as "I love Darth Vader." Harmless enough, though one might wonder why a person would need to proclaim such love in a restaurant restroom. But he is the Dark Lord of the Sith, which probably inspires many followers and devotees.

From there, maybe someone else added "wife." Did he mean Queen Amidala? If so, I'm on board with that. Natalie Portman's a cutie. (And I wasn't always comfortable saying so, back in the days of The Professional and Beautiful Girls. But now she's, you know, woman.)

But the "in your ass" part - that's what throws me. Was this intended as a dismissal of the previously stated admiration? Like "blow it out your ass"? Or was it more of an agreement and affirmation?

Did this person want the previous writer to actually insert Queen Amidala in his rectum? (Maybe he just meant for the Queen to comfortably nestle between the young man's rear cheeks. But I'm always trying to see the good in people.) And if so, did he want to perform the actual inserting? Shouldn't somebody ask Natalie Portman what she thinks of all this?

If it was "in the ass," this might be clearer to me. Perhaps intended as an expression of desire to sodomize the Queen of the planet Naboo. Or maybe a proclivity toward placing, for instance, an action figure representation of Amidala, up the rear entryway. Kids and their toys.

See, here's where the phone numbers come in handy. If the author (or authors) of this brain twister left a number for me to call, we could have a good time debating the meanings and merits of this particular scenario. As it stands, however, I'm left to wonder. And that resulted in a rather unsatisfying feeling as I returned to my table.

"I love Darth Vader's wife in your ass." Am I right? It's a puzzler! Take the weekend to ponder it, and if you get a chance, get back to me next week. I need your help, my friends. I'm just terribly vexed by this.