Monday, May 08, 2006

Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!

I imagine that most bloggers have a subject that really touches a nerve in them, something that sends the blood rushing to their fingers, eager to type out a rant on a particular topic that truly stirs up their individual passion.

This, they likely think to themselves as the words fill up the screen, is the reason I wanted to start blogging.

That's where I find myself today. I have reached that point. I may have not consciously started this blog intending to write on this particular subject, but now that it's come to me, I have that sensation surging within my chest.

My purpose is clear. This is why I wanted a blog. I've always known that I had to speak (or write) in regards to one person and the total fraud that he has perpetrated on our culture. And today, I get to do it.

I fucking hate David Blaine.

Tonight, this no-talent assclown will hijack two hours of prime-time network programming with his latest "Look at me! I'm a total fucking idiot who won't eat or drink for a week" attention-starved stunt. Worst of all, he calls it - wave your hands around like Jon Stewart would - "magic."

Here's a quote from ABC on the show tonight:

David Blaine, known for his headline-making feats of physical, emotional and mental endurance, will once again put his life on the line in a death-defying attempt to hold his breath underwater longer than any human being, which is currently a stunning eight minutes, 58 seconds. He will undertake this latest challenge after living with a life support system in a specially built human aquarium -- an eight-foot acrylic sphere -- for seven days and nights, in full public view in front of New York's Lincoln Center.

Isn't this what children do when they want attention? Hold their breath until they turn blue?

I'm not impressed. And no matter how hard Blaine tries, it's too late. I know magic. One of my best friends wanted to be a magician when he was a kid. He could stick the knitting needle through a balloon without it popping. He could pull those three big inter-connected rings apart. He could guess what card I was holding. And this was back in fourth grade. Mike got all the chicks, while I was left alone with my Spider-Man comic books. David Copperfield had nothing on him.

So some moron spending a week in a fishbowl in front of Lincoln Center does nothing for me. How about sitting on a toilet for seven days and reading Infinite Jest without your feet falling asleep? Now that would be "magic." That would be a "headline-making feat of physical, emotional, and mental endurance."

Where the hell are the New Yorkers on this one, anyway? I thought you people were tough and didn't take shit from anyone. How has this guy not been rolled onto West 65th St. by now? You're going to let Londoners look like the tough ones for chucking eggs, burgers, and tomatoes at this guy while he was dangling above the city in a glass box? C'mon! You threw garbage at the Green Goblin in Spider-Man! We know you're better than this!

Mis Hooz, what are you doing on your lunch break? I know - Lincoln Center's pretty far from your office. But come up with something. Your tooth hurts. Some client needs a delivery. There was a really, really, really long line at the falafel joint. Get down there and drop this dude like a water balloon!

You can get past whatever security they have. I've seen you get your way to the front of the stage at concerts! It'll be just like the old days, man! Tap on the glass like it's a fish tank! Pull your pants down and moon the guy! Press those cheeks right up to his showboating face. The revolution will be televised! I'll post your bail! It'd be totally worth it.

Here's a stunt that might impress me, Blaine: How about you stand in front of an oncoming semi-truck going 85 miles an hour? Walk away from that, go get yourself an iced tea, and I'll call that "magic." I'll even pay for the drink afterwards.

Try to give birth to a child without saying a word. Let's see that. Hey, if Katie Holmes can do it...

How about making gas prices go down? Make the number "1" the first digit we see on the gas station marquee. That'd impress everyone, and actually provide a public service.

Or just beat Jack Bauer in the ratings tonight. Maybe that'd be enough.

You feel that? That is passion, people! My fingers are on fire. My body is surging with life. I am standing up as I type this! Stand up with me! Take back pop culture! Take it away from stupid dipshits like this "street magician," who thinks holding his breath, standing still, sitting in a giant ice cube, or not eating is worth your attention.

Man, I fucking hate David Blaine.

This is why I started a blog.