What would happen if I had a kid

From Dave Coverly's (Ann Arbor in the house!) "Speed Bump."


Look at that kid's legs dangle! How long could you deny the smell of that dump? (I think that's a distinctly male trait, by the way.)

The little time machine that could

I'm not usually a fan of stories that involve time travel, whether they're sci-fi novels, movies, or comic books. To me, many of these narratives seem to collapse under their own weight at the end or somehow break a rule that was established earlier in the story. That's not to say it hasn't been done well (the "Terminator" flicks) or made into something fun (the first Back to the Future). And if any of you have a favorite example or two that my brain just isn't recalling, I'd love to hear about it.

I'd like to add a movie of my own to that list: Primer. It was so refreshing to have a movie scratch an itch in your brain, rather than just numb it. Working on a seriously indie budget, Primer concentrates more on story and character development than glossy special effects or outlandish premises.

Evil villain: I hate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, so we're going to go back in time and prevent the guy with chocolate from colliding with the guy with peanut butter. And from then on, we'll live in a world with only plain chocolate bars - which is the way it should be! Bwahaha!

Evil villain's underling: Bwahahahahaha!!

Villain and underling together: Bwaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Evil villain's underling: But... but... if you do that, we'll never have Ben & Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup ice cream!

Evil villain: What? Nooooooooooooooooooooo! What have I done? WHAT! HAVE! I! DONE!

(© 2005 Ian Casselberry, by the way. Don't even think of stealing this gold.)

If you haven't heard of it, Primer is about two guys who almost accidentally create a time machine in their garage, but it keeps the science-fictional premise under the surface (though there's some technical jargon in the dialogue), concerning itself instead with how power can affect friendships, how it can corrupt people who suddenly have the power to influence the direction of their lives. It tries to challenge the audience by making you question what you just watched. I don't know how you couldn't want to discuss the film after seeing it. (Where's Mis Hooz and a bar or coffee shop when I need them?)

And even though the story seems to give you everything you need, it definitely rewards multiple viewings. Moments and characters that seemed harmless or insignificant the first time around suddenly become rather important when the whole story reveals itself. I wanted to watch the thing again as soon as I was done with it. (Unfortunately, Shane Carruth's director commentary on the DVD is a bit of a snoozer, unless you're a film school junkie wondering what film stock he used, how he recorded sound, what type of lighting he used, etc., etc. I wanted more story details.)

If I've piqued your curiosity or you've already seen Primer, here's a link to an about.com interview with Carruth.

Also, here are three different attempts to explain the different timelines established in the movie, resulting from the lead characters' actions.

And if you're curious what another blog thinks of it, check out kottke.org's thoughts.

You will thank me later.

I thought I should type something tonight

Also, I'm frustrated that the Tigers game isn't on television tonight. This is total #@$%ing ridiculous bull$#!+. Hey guys, it's only a game against the Chicago White Sox, who happen to have the best #@$%ing record in Major League Baseball.

So to cure my baseball fix for the evening, I went to mlb.com and cast my votes for the American and National League All-Star teams. Here's who I voted for, which is something a grand total of zero people were wondering about. Most of the picks, I'll admit, are based on the best stats, with a couple of exceptions.

This should help your insomnia. I hope you sleep nicely.

American League

First base: Mark Teixeira, TEXAS
- .291 avg., 20 HR, 58 RBI, .361 OBP
Second base: Brian Roberts, BALTIMORE
- .363 avg., 12 HR, 43 RBI, .435 OBP
Shortstop: Miguel Tejada, BALTIMORE
- .317 avg., 19 HR, 59 RBI, .364 OBP
(I'd love to vote for Detroit's Carlos Guillen, but he just hasn't played enough, due to injuries.)
Third base: Alex Rodriguez, NY YANKEES
- .332 avg., 20 HR, 65 RBI, .429 OBP
(Though I'd love to vote for Detroit's Brandon Inge, who's "my boy.")
Catcher: Ivan Rodriguez, DETROIT
- .295 avg., 5 HR, 29 RBI, .307 OBP
(An admitted hometown pick. I should probably vote for Boston's Jason Varitek.)
Designated Hitter: David Ortiz, BOSTON
- .303 avg., 19 HR, 65 RBI, .384 OBP
Outfielder: Manny Ramirez, BOSTON
- .271 avg., 19 HR, 66 RBI, .355 OBP
Outfielder: Johnny Damon, BOSTON
- .337 avg., 3 HR, 41 RBI, .383 OBP
Outfielder: Vladimir Guerrero, LA ANGELS
- .345 avg., 12 HR, 41 RBI, .401 OBP

National League

First base: Derrek Lee, CHICAGO
- .388 avg., 22 HR, 64 RBI, .466 OBP
Second base: Jeff Kent, LA DODGERS
- .297 avg., 15 HR, 58 RBI, .372 OBP
Shortstop: Jimmy Rollins, PHILADELPHIA
- .281 avg., 6 HR, 22 RBI, .320 OBP
Third base: Aramis Ramirez, CHICAGO
- .302 avg., 17 HR, 49 RBI, .362 OBP
Catcher: Mike Piazza, NY METS
- .264 avg., 8 HR, 31 RBI, .323 OBP
(Hey, why don't we get to vote for a National League designated hitter? The game's in an American League ballpark.)
Outfielder: Cliff Floyd, NY METS
- .281, 20 HR, 51 RBI, .349 OBP
(Maybe I'm not paying attention to what other people are saying, but I think he's having the best "big year" no one is talking about.)
Outfielder: Jose Guillen, WASHINGTON
- .333 avg., 15 HR, 54 RBI, .385 OBP
(I had to vote for someone from the Nationals, my adopted favorite National League team.)
Outfielder: Bobby Abreu, PHILADELPHIA
- .325 avg., 17 HR, 52 RBI, .442 OBP

Since I had no baseball, I had to choose between two things I don't care about: President Bush's speech or the NBA Draft. Which do you think I chose? Here's a hint: who the #@$% is Jason Maxiell, Pistons fans? Maybe I should've stuck with the news after seeing Jennifer Eccleston on Larry King Live. Sweet sassy molassey!

It's too easy

"Since when would a celebrity have expertise in medicine? Would you go to your doctor and ask him about movie roles?"

-- Peg Nichols, a spokeswoman for the Landover-based Children and Adults With Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (from the Washington Post)

I'm sure most, if not all of you have heard about Tom Cruise's "I know the truth! And you don't!" meltdown on yesterday's Today show in a tense interview with Matt Lauer. If not, here's the gist: Tom Cruise has studied psychiatry, and you haven't.

Do I really want to devote another 500 words to Tommy Boy's further descent into bat-$#!+ craziness? Nah. It's late. It's hot. I'd rather go pick weeds out of the driveway. But if you haven't, you simply must read the transcript. Here's a hilarious version of it from You Can't Make It Up. The photos alone are worth it. The words? Oh, they have to be read to be believed.

And while you're at it:

Richard Leiby makes more fun of Cruise in the Washington Post.

Daniel Engber explores the history of the battle between Psychiatry and Scientology in Slate.

And the New York Times' Alessandra Stanley says this was so much more fun than the usual promote-my-movie celebrity suck-up fest we usually get. (I have to agree.)

Unrequited fling? Nah...

Today's Detroit Free Press ran a piece on Pistons blogs that's worth checking out. I was one of the bloggers interviewed for the article, but unfortunately, it looks like my stuff hit the editing room floor. Oh well. Check it out anyway.

It would've been cool for Fried Rice Thoughts to get some attention in a metro Detroit newspaper (and I had the Cristal on ice, ready to pop), but I don't think I supplied much quotable material to the reporter. And even though I've been writing a lot about the Pistons lately, I don't consider this a sports blog, so I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea about what they'll find when they come here.

However, one of the guys who did supply some good quotes - Greg Eno - does a good job at Out of Bounds, and I'm glad to see him get some attention. More people should definitely be reading his stuff, and I think the Freep article will take care of that.

I'm looking at the bright side: at least I didn't have to shell out a bunch of quarters for a stack of newspapers this morning.

The last one that got away

As a Pistons fan, you have to be disappointed with the result of last night's Game 7. But how could you possibly be disappointed in the effort? The Pistons fought to the very end, and made San Antonio earn their third NBA championship. And as I've said in previous entries, that's what Pistons fans wanted out of their team. Compete. Fight to defend their championship. Of course, we wanted a second straight NBA title. We wanted them to show all the skeptics that last year's team was not a fluke champion. But if they had to lose, at least they went down swinging. And I think a lot of pride can be taken from that.

Julian H. Gonzalez/Detroit Free Press

And if the Pistons had to lose, at least it was to a team like the San Antonio Spurs. As I watched them celebrate their win last night, I just couldn't work up any hatred for those guys. I tried to make fun of Manu Ginobili during the series despite my admiration for his play, but it was difficult not to feel good for him, looking at the happiness and excitement he felt for this championship. Ginobili squeezed out every drop of effort he had to help his team win, and despite the fact it was against my team, I enjoyed watching him. He's a hell of a player. I understand not giving him the Finals Most Valuable Player award because he had some bad games in Detroit. But I think he's ultimately the reason the Spurs beat the Pistons.

Yes, Tim Duncan won the MVP, and you can't knock his record. Three MVP awards and three NBA championships is truly an impressive resume. And with 25 points and 11 rebounds, he certainly had a good game last night. But - and this is probably a bit of sore loser bubbling to the surface - he owes his teammates (Ginobili and Bruce Bowen, especially) a slice of that trophy.

It's been a long, tough season for the Pistons, and they literally took it as far as it could go. But after getting some much-needed rest, Joe Dumars needs to look at this team and make some difficult decisions. Is Rasheed Wallace becoming more of a headache than he's worth? Or, despite his inconsistencies, is he too much of a key piece to discard? But that might be too big a change to consider, and this team probably doesn't need that. After all, they were minutes away from a second straight NBA title. But bringing in a lethal long-range shooter who can come in off the bench and knock in some three-pointers should be a priority. Scoring points is a problem that Detroit just couldn't overcome at the end.

And of course, the question of whether or not Larry Brown will coach this team next season is something that needs to be addressed - and fast. Health issues aside, Brown's high-maintenance personality might have worn down too many nerves. On the other hand, can another coach come in and maintain credibility with a bunch of veteran players who already know what it takes to win? That'll be an interesting story to follow.

But for now, it's time to throw the basketballs back in the garage until, oh, October. I sense that some of you don't always enjoy these sports blogs, but hey, that's part of the mix that I try to create here every day. And the Detroit Pistons have been a love of mine since I was a teenager. So when they're doing well - and even when they're playing badly - I'll be writing about them. Part of the reason I created this blog was to give myself an outlet for Detroit sports while living in Iowa. You can't cook fried rice without oil, and I can't write a blog without discussing sports. I appreciate you sticking with me and reading, even if the topics aren't always interesting to you. Thanks for that.

Since someone asked...

Pistons 92, Spurs 84. That's my prediction for tonight, folks. Fingers are crossed.

The future Mrs. Casselberry?

Sis will say this is a sign that I watch too much TV (You're gettin' a noogie when you come home, kiddo), but I've been keeping a close eye on commercials lately, hoping I'll get to spend another 30 seconds with... the Mercury spokeswoman?

Why, yes, I'd be interested in a Mercury Mariner

Google's done nothing for me. Yahoo? Squadoosh. Nada. I'm hoping there's someone out there more obsessed than me (but perhaps just as lonely) who's done the legwork and found out who this babe is.

Can anyone help a brother?

Got $3.4 million?

I found this at The Great Curve (and just seconds ago from my New York correspondent, Mis Hooz):

Hey! You have any idea how much this suit cost? No touchie!

Ever wonder how much it would actually cost to be Batman? Does Bruce Wayne actually have enough cash to pull it off? Forbes.com says he does, indeed. (His estimated fictional worth is $6.8 billion.) Check out the slide show, if you get a chance. This could've made a great MasterCard commercial.

"Armored tank for Batmobile: $2,000,000."

"Being Batman: Priceless."

Throw out the doubt

After Sunday night's soul-crushing loss, many surely thought a Spurs win on their home court in San Antonio was a formality. The Pistons had to be a psychologically beaten team, right? Not so fast, my friend. This photo by Julian H. Gonzalez of the Detroit Free Press speaks rather emphatically.

Get that $#!+ outta here!

Pistons 95, Spurs 86. Sorry, San Antonio.

And how well did Rasheed Wallace sleep last night? An entire city and legions of Pistons fans were ready to string this guy up by his naughty bits after his total brain lapse at the end of Sunday's Game 5.

Please, please let me off the hook.

I thought 'Sheed would have to score, oh, about 83 points to earn Pistons fans' forgiveness and prevent himself from becoming Detroit's version of Bill Buckner. He only scored 16 points last night, but they were important and timely baskets. Detroit fans are notorious for holding onto a grudge - Scott Mitchell of the Lions and Tim Cheveldae of the Red Wings were booed straight out of town - but if Detroit wins Thursday night, all will surely be forgiven. Many have probably already forgiven 'Sheed for helping extend this series to a seventh game.

It's a tried-and-true sports cliche, but anything can happen in a winner-takes-all Game 7. Even though the game is on San Antonio's home court and probably gives them a slight edge, how can you bet against this Pistons team? Every time you're ready to write them off, they come back defiantly and remind everyone why they're the defending NBA champs.

Call the jeweler and get him ready to stamp out some more of those gold championship belts. They look good, don't they?

And a note to Mis Hooz: Since you were on the phone with me through virtually the entire game and Detroit won, you'd better make plans to spend Thursday the same way. Work the kinks out of your neck. Superstition is a mistress that must be served.

One more Pistons blog for the summer, people. Stay with me.

Horry the Heartbreaker

As Ryan Field said on the FOX Sports Detroit post-game show, if the San Antonio Spurs go on to win the NBA Finals in six games, Robert Horry will probably always be known in Detroit as "Robert '#$@%ing' Horry.' Despite Felix Gillette's arguments to the contrary in Slate, Horry lived up to his nickname as "Big Shot Bob" by hitting the three-pointer that gave the Spurs a one-point victory, 96-95.

Nice shot, Bob.

Obviously, Horry deserves credit for making the shot. But I'd like to point a finger at the Pistons' defense - particularly Rasheed Wallace - for breaking what seems like a cardinal rule of basketball. Always watch the guy making the inbounds pass - especially on a play where they need a three-pointer to win. How many times has it happened: the guy making the pass sneaks back inbounds, the defense forgets about him, and he's wide-open for the winning shot. I never thought a Detroit Piston defense would make that mistake. (The brilliant Terry Foster agrees with me. Ahem.)

The man who's probably most grateful to Horry is his teammate, Tim Duncan, who did virtually everything in his power to prevent the Spurs from winning. Duncan is a very good player, but in the final minutes of Game 6, he showed why he shouldn't be considered a great player. You cannot miss three of four free throws, and then a rebound tip in the final seconds that could've won the game, along with letting the ball slip through your hands and go out of bounds on an easy pass in overtime, and be considered a great player. Magic Johnson wouldn't have botched those plays. Larry Bird wouldn't have, either. And you know what Michael Jordan would have done. I'm not sure anyone had Duncan on the same level with those legendary players, but he's the one guy in this series who could arguably be called a "superstar."

'Fraid not, Timmy. Maybe that's just me being a sore loser, but your teammate bailed you out this time. You should buy him a big, fat steak dinner tomorrow night.

We'll see if San Antonio can do it again on their home turf Tuesday night. Detroit knows they let one get away, and I'd be surprised if they didn't fight like wild dogs to force the series to a seventh game. So is this officially a series now? Pistons coach Larry Brown says a series really starts when a team wins on their opponent's home court. I hope there are two more games remaining in this series. But the chances of Detroit winning two straight games in San Antonio looks slimmer than Christian Bale in The Machinist.

However, the Pistons seem to enjoy making NBA Finals history. In 1990, no team had ever won three straight road games in the Finals until Detroit did it in Portland. And last season, no home team had ever won three straight home games until the Pistons did it against the Los Angeles Lakers. If any team can do it...

Happy Father's Day, Dad

For those of you who know me or have been reading this blog for a while, you undoubtedly know that today is a bittersweet day for me. I've tried not to let it get to me, but of course it does. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my father today, and celebrating his memory with my mother as best as I can. (In that spirit, I encourage you to read Hoyt's touching tribute to his late father at Donutbuzz.)

A month or so ago, I intended to write a blog about keeping score in baseball after the Detroit News ran a feature on it. (Sorry, can't find the link.) I ended up shelving the idea, probably in favor of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jokes. However, Billfer over at The Detroit Tiger Weblog wrote the blog that I never had a chance to write before my father passed away, and I'd like to link to it.

Some of my favorite memories of my Dad are going to Tigers games with him. He taught me how to keep score. He instilled my belief that only mustard, not ketchup should go on a ballpark hot dog. He assured me that the crowd wasn't booing Lou Whitaker, they were chanting "Loooooooou!" (I think he did the same thing with Ruppert Jones. "Ruuuuuup!") He bought me my first Tigers cap at Tiger Stadium. And he got me John Wockenfuss's autograph when I was too shy to bring my baseball up to him on Autograph Day.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I miss you. We never got to have that last catch at the Field of Dreams in Iowa, like we'd talked about. But we'll have it someday.

Did I see 'Batman Begins'? Is the Pope Catholic?

©2005 Mark Tatulli/ Dist. by Universal Press Syndicate

Sure, I wanted to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, but the movie I've been most looking forward to this summer is Batman Begins. So I caught a late show Wednesday night (yes, even though I could've stayed home to watch Dancing with the Stars), which - according to my latest poll results - surprises absolutely no one who knows me.

In the past, I wouldn't have been able to look at a movie like this objectively. I would've been so excited to see one of my comic book heroes on the big screen that I wouldn't have cared whether or not the movie was crap. It might be a sign of actual maturity (says the man declaring his love for men in capes and tights) that I now look at the previous Batman films and feel ill. (Whomever coined the phrase "gay fantasia" to describe Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever and Batman & Robin - with its fetishistic ogling of Batman's ass and nipples - was right on.) Even Tim Burton's 1989 original doesn't hold up very well anymore. Two words: Prince soundtrack.

(Okay, I liked Batman Returns. Mostly because of Christopher Walken. "Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry." Love that line.)

But Christopher Nolan's version of Batman has given us Bat-fans what we've always wanted:

1) He's translated the Batman from the comic books onto the screen. He's standing on rooftops, with his long cape blowing in the wind, immersing himself in the city, not just looking at it from the Batmobile. He's scaring and intimidating criminals, lurking in the shadows, not just jumping out and beating the crap out of them. He drives a tank instead of a sports car (which makes so much sense it's hard to believe only Frank Miller thought of it once before).

2) He's erased the memory of those four previous films (though there's definitely a nod to the 1989 film) with a movie that not only takes the material seriously, but is also really, really good. Look at the frickin' cast Nolan's assembled! Michael Caine (Yes, Mom, Michael Caine), Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Tom Wilkinson, and Gary Oldman? Oh yeah, and Christian Bale plays the guy in the Bat-suit. How can your movie not have serious gravitas when these guys are in it? (And how can Katie Holmes not look completely miscast when she's surrounded by all that talent? Sorry, kiddo. Sing along: One of these actors is not like the others...)

Nolan and screenwriter David Goyer (Ann Arbor in da house!) have taken this story (with many points taken from Frank Miller's Batman: Year One comic book) and placed it in as real a setting as possible. (Okay, until, say, the last 1/3 of the film when all kinds of $#!+ is blowing up.) Bruce Wayne isn't just some guy who's inspired to dress up like a bat to avenge his parents' murder. He's a man who carries guilt over what happened, grapples with his inner fears, and is looking for his place in a world that doesn't make sense to him. Wayne is a much fuller and more believable character here than he's been in virtually any of the Batman comic books.

The story is all about the how and why of the Batman story. How did Bruce Wayne learn to fight like that? Where, as Jack Nicholson once asked, does he get all those wonderful toys? How did Bruce Wayne discover the cave underneath Wayne Manor that becomes The Batcave? And what is his deal with bats, anyway? What was James Gordon doing before he was promoted to Commissioner? How did Gotham City suddenly turn into a place where freakos like the Joker hang out? It's all in there.

I could go on and on. (So could these new Batman movies. There's enough stuff in there to drive at least two sequels. Yet the movie isn't completely obvious about it, either.) And maybe I will, if I see Batman Begins again this weekend, which I'm currently jonesing to do. But you've been kind to stick it out with me, especially if you read last night's Pistons live slog, er, blog. Have a great weekend.

Pistons-Spurs Game 4 : The live blog

Oh, the people who don't enjoy my sports blogs (and they've been pretty frequent lately, haven't they?) might grind their teeth at this one. Hey, it won't be all sports tonight - I promise. But while watching Game 3, I found myself wishing I was blogging. The nerve endings were tingling. Also, I've been reading Bill Simmons' NBA Finals diaries on espn.com, which just increased the yearning. I am no Simmons. But I'll try my best to be funny.

8:41 - As big a fan as I am of comic books and movies based on comic books (my review of Batman Begins is coming tomorrow), that Fantastic Four movie looks terrible to me. And the NBA tie-in commercial with Magic Johnson isn't changing my opinion. (Jessica Alba? Yeesh.)

8:43 - Hey, a commercial for Batman Begins! Did I mention I'm blogging about that tomorrow? Here's an early preview: I may have liked it. I may have really, really liked it.

8:47 - It just occurred to me: This live blog is jeopardizing my Pistons superstition. Okay, if the Pistons lose this game, you know where to point the fingers. Maybe I'll listen to the first quarter on the radio. That'd make some exciting blogging.

8:52- Big Ben's afro looks extra fluffy tonight. The wonders of conditioner?

9:02 - Mis Hooz has ruined basketball commentary and analysis for me forever. During Game 6 of the Pistons-Heat series, she said it all sounded like this to her: "Blah blah blah... blah blah... blahblahblah..."

9:04 - And she described the first few minutes of Pistons-Spurs Game 1 over the phone to me thusly: "Okay, they're running one way... bouncing, bouncing... now they're running the other way, one guy missed a shot... okay, bouncing... thinking... more bouncing." ABC needs to hire her. Put her on the "SAP" option.

9:07 - ABC is using Rob Thomas' "This Is How A Heart Breaks" as its NBA Finals theme song. This is how a TV screen breaks...!

9:10 - I know Europe's "The Final Countdown" is an example of synth-metal crap that should make my skin crawl. But as a Pistons fan, when it's used for player introductions, it is the coolest #@$%ing song ever.

9:20 - Jabroni just hit his first three-pointer for San Antonio. Uh-oh.

9:25 - Bathroom break. Did I miss anything?

9:30- Al Michaels said Tim Duncan has been "the little girl with the curls" from the free-throw line this series. Wha... ?

9:32 - Ben Wallace just hit a 20-foot jump shot. The Spurs are in trouble. (And does Detroit really have six steals already?)

9:35 - Geena Davis is Commander In Chief. Ian Casselberry is Not Watching.

9:40 - Thank God for sideline reporters. Now I know that Larry Brown is superstitious and does everything the same way. Then he watched that Seinfeld where Costanza did the opposite of what he would normally do and became wildly successful. So Brown decided to do the same thing. Wow - that is insightful $#!+.

9:41 - If that's how Larry Brown is approaching this series, Joe Dumars should give him a ride to Cleveland. And drop him in Lake Erie.

9:45 - How the #@$% do you pronounce "Udrih"?

9:49 - San Antonio scored only 17 points in the first quarter. "Deeee-troooit bas-ket-ball," anyone?

9:50 - ABC's first shot of Eminem in the crowd. Nice curls, Marshall.

9:51 - Can you smell the "please, someone - anyone - see our movie" desperation in the new ads for Cinderella Man with Ron Howard explaining what the movie is about?

9:58 - Al Michaels just listed all the major sporting events taking place in Detroit from last June (2004 NBA Finals) to next February (Super Bowl). That sound you just heard was the national sports media whimpering.

10:04 - Okay, here's something that needs to stop and stop now: listening in on international broadcasts. On Tuesday, we got the French. Tonight, it was Italy. Enough. Especially when the Italians mimic Al Michaels' famous 1980 "Do you believe in miracles?" call.

10:15 - Isn't ABC about two years too late on this "Kaballah craze" story it's running tomorrow night on 20/20?

10:25 - San Antonio scored 38 points in the first half. In Game 2, they scored 30 points in the first quarter of the game. See where I'm going with this? ("Blah blah blah... blahblah.")

10:35 - Here's why I don't like prime-time sporting events. It is halftime. I should be eating something. I should be fixing myself a turkey sandwich stacked six inches high. I should be popping open another beer. But I've already had dinner. I'm not hungry.

10:36 - Yes, that was the most interesting thing I had to say about halftime.

10:45 - Again, with the Fantastic Four. Still not interested. Sorry, Jessica.

10:49 - Now, Jessica Simpson could get me to see that Dukes of Hazzard movie. Maybe. But it'd have to be a matinee.

10:55 - I love hearing how pissed off Spurs coach Gregg Popovich is with his team. Love it.

11:00 - You know what? This game kinda sucks. I'm not complaining. Detroit's up by 15 points. They're dominating. But I got nothing here.

11:05 - We just got a flashback to Morganna the Kissing Bandit kissing Larry Brown when he coached San Antonio. Whatever happened to Morganna? Those things have to be sagging now.

11:15 - Next game, I'm doing a shot every time ABC plays that Rob Thomas song. This is how a liver breaks... !

11:19 - Detroit leads by 20 points. I should've done this live blog thing on Sunday instead.

11:20 - Oh no. Oh no. No! When did we stop getting HBO in this house? I hate you, Comcast!

11:21 - Okay, my parents were getting HBO for two years without paying for it. So I can't complain. Thank you, Comcast, for taking so long to notice.

11:22 - It's a good thing Deadwood or The Sopranos isn't on, though. Y'all'd be some dead mother#@$%ers.

11:23 - Am I missing anything good on Six Feet Under this season?

11:27 - Is it a FCC violation if I threaten a cable company?

11:35 - Tim Duncan looks like he's pouting as Gregg Popovich is lecturing him on the bench. Pouting like a puppy dog. What a great shot. Aw, da widdle bebe...

11:40 - Detroit is going to score 100 points in this game. Maybe 100 points plus. Last week, they looked like they might have trouble scoring 100 points in the entire series. Who can figure this $#!+ out?

11:45 - Darko Milicic is playing. That should be all Popovich has to tell the Spurs when he yells at them after the game. "They put Dinko in! That's how bad we sucked! Dinko!"

11:48 - Darko scores! Darko scores! ("Dinko!") Even Stevie Wonder is amazed.

11:50 - Final score: Detroit 102, San Antonio 71. Holy $#!+. Hey, it was a boring game. Otherwise, the blog would've been funnier. I think.

11:52 - Again, how can a team look so bad last week, and then look awesome the next? That's why we play a seven-game series, kids.