The Set-Up?

So I'm on my way back to my car, after picking up the Sunday papers at a grocery store, when I notice that someone left a shopping cart right next to my car, near the driver-side door.

Regardless of the circumstances, I'd be irritated by such a thing, but what made this even more maddening was A) the parking lot was virtually empty (easy like Sunday morning), and B) the cart corral was right across the lane from my car. It would've been six steps, tops, to push that scratch-and-dent wagon over with the rest of its shiny, rusty, squeaky brethren.

And I'm muttering each of the more popular curse words, as I push the cart over to the corral. "Stupid m-f'er" this, "lazy c-sucker" that. Actually, I'm getting annoyed with each step away from my car. "How #@$%ing hard is it to do this $#!+?"

Then I turn back around and see a woman standing between my car and the one parked in front of it. She has a smile on her face - kind of a forced one. And she's hovering toward me as I walk back to the car. My first thought was, "Oh, maybe that was her cart, and she left it there as she was getting something in her car." I was going to find out, because she was now walking right to me. Still smiling.

"Hi, how are you this morning?" she says. Yep, I took her cart. She's going to say something. Good. Then I can tell her what I think of leaving a cart that close to my car door.

"Fine," I respond tersely.

"I'm Julie. May I ask your name?"

"Um... Bill."

"Bill, would it be okay if we spoke for a moment about your happiness?" She scrunched her shoulders up to her ears as she asked. I knew she wasn't talking about drugs. It was too bright outside. And again, we were in a grocery store parking lot.

"Excuse me?" This also meant I wasn't going to be yelling at anyone. I hate it when that happens.

Then she pulls out a pamphlet with a brightly colored, tree-filled landscape on the cover. Two people are smiling, admiring something off in the distance, as they're apparently about to feast on pumpkins. At the top, it says, "All Suffering SOON TO END!"

Oh no. I knew it. No one is that happy at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

"I'd just like to share this with you, and then maybe you can tell me what you think."

"Right now?" Hey, I had to cover a football game in Detroit later on. And Ian gets crabby if he doesn't get his breakfast. (By the way, I wonder how she would've reacted if I'd told her I had something to share with her, and just wanted to know what she thought?)

"Oh no, no. Just take this, read it, and think about what it says." Still smiling. She then handed the pamphlet to me, and got back into her car where two people were waiting for her. I got into my car, put the newspapers and pamphlets on the passenger seat, and looked up to see her driving away.

She totally set that up, right? Get me to move the cart, and then approach me as I'm coming back to the car. Hook, line, sinker.

I should've just shoved the cart away from my car, enough to give me room so I didn't hit it when I backed out of my parking space. But nooooooo, I had to be considerate toward other people. I had to make sure that cart wouldn't bother anyone else. What a putz.

And did she pass out pamphlets to anyone else in the parking lot? She could have, while I was in the store. Though I wasn't in there very long. Was I the only one? And why did she drive off after talking to me? Didn't she want to talk to anyone else about their happiness?

I'm going to tell this story next time someone asks me why I look surly or says I don't smile enough. Maybe I'll make a pamphlet.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

I should be typing this post from a jail cell, where I would've been thrown after assaulting a man in public earlier this afternoon. But I took a deep breath, thought of frolicking with the newly single Uma Thurman (I'm back in the game, baby!) on a Hawaiian beach, and reached that Zen place I usually only find after a finishing off a fifth of Jameson during an Arrested Development DVD marathon.

It wasn't easy, though. Lunch at the Mongolian Barbeque with a friend I hadn't seen in a while was supposed to be pleasant and fun, but it felt like I spent most of the hour behind a jackass yammering on his cell phone while trying to assemble his meal.

I'm sure most of you are probably familiar with these types of places, but for those who might not be, here's the drill: You fix your own stir-fry meal. All of the raw vegetables, meats, spices, and sauces are laid out for you, buffet-style. You throw your veggies in a bowl, top 'em with your raw beef, chicken, or seafood of choice, flavor it up with sauce and spice, and then give the concoction to someone standing at a giant grill who then cooks the whole thing for you in minutes. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

So you probably see how one might need two hands free for this exercise. Trying to hold a bowl in one hand while picking up pieces of raw meat with tongs, but talking on the cell phone held in your other hand just doesn't sound like a good idea, does it?

Hey, maybe trying to cradle the phone between your head and shoulder so both your hands are free will work. No, it won't. Your head's too big. The phone's too small. And oh, by the way, you're about to drop that phone INTO A TUB OF RAW MEAT.

Do you see the potential for something unsanitary occurring here? Or total disaster? Can you understand how the poor sap (or saps) standing behind this total moron might get a little annoyed while waiting for him to realize situations like this are why hands-free headsets were created? Could he at least work out some semblance of physical logic, manage some consideration for his fellow lunch patrons, or decide that his banal conversation about someone's birthday party could've been put off for five minutes?

Is it easy to imagine how a certain blogger's eyes might begin turning green, as his temples throb and teeth grind while his inner Bill Bixby tries to contain the raging Lou Ferrigno within?

Deep, calming breaths, and thoughts of flowers, puppies, and sunshine were all that kept me from stabbing two chopsticks into either side of this tool's neck.

I just wanted to enjoy a nice lunch and catch up with my buddy. Instead, I had to watch a buffoon play slapstick with a plastic bowl, raw meat, and a cell phone. My sister says I need to work on my temper and stop saying or wishing mean things onto people. Do you think she would be disappointed in me for hoping this idiot would either contract salmonella on his fingers or find his way in front of an oncoming bus after leaving the restaurant?

On the bright side, my shrimp, squid, and scallops stir-fry was delicious. I, dear readers and friends, can assemble a kick-ass bowl of mongolian barbeque.

Killing time

Oy, humbug!
Nothing makes me feel more bipolar than Christmas shopping. One moment, I feel good because I'm buying gifts. Finding the right present for someone is a nice feeling, isn't it? But then the next moment, I want to strangle my fellow shoppers. Like the morons I encountered at Best Buy today who blocked up entire aisles with shopping carts. Unless you're buying a TV, computer, or washing machine, why the hell do you need a shopping cart at Best Buy??? These people had a couple of CDs and DVDs in the compartment where your kid would sit. Then there was the guy who stood reallyclosetome in line. You know what, pal? You're not getting out of here any faster if you spoon with me, okay? Back off. And if you're trying to hit on me (and hey, I'd love attention from anyone at this point - homosexual or not), come up with something witty when we're both reaching for the same DVD. Us guys love romance - y'know what I'm sayin'?

Twelve is the New Eleven
And despite the lukewarm reviews, I saw "Ocean's Twelve" today. (Free time = movies, baby.) I'd challenge almost anyone to explain the plot clearly to me; there were a lot of tricks and double-crosses as the story wore on. It was fun to see all the Superfriends get back together, though a few of them really had nothing to do. (Poor Bernie Mac.) And the new additions, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Vincent Cassel were good (and good-looking) too. A gag subplot involving Julia Roberts was pretty funny; I imagine it would've been even funnier if Stephen Hunter hadn't blown it for me in the Washington Post.

Manohla Dargis of the New York Times said that Steven Soderbergh had to challenge himself to make this interesting, and I think I agree with that. Quick edits, freeze frames, quirky camera angles, different film stocks and lens filters - he pulled a lot of tricks out of the bag to keep this interesting. Actually, I thought it was Soderbergh's homage to one of his heroes, Richard Lester (an admiration clearly expressed in the book "Getting Away With It"). Many scenes reminded me of "A Hard Day's Night."

It's been nauseating and eye-rolling to watch Clooney, Pitt, Damon, and the rest of the gang pimp their movie on every show imaginable, and talk about how much fun they had together. But that fun is certainly apparent on the screen, and makes for an enjoyable flick. But maybe we don't need to see "Ocean's Thirteen," okay? Soderbergh should be frying bigger cinematic fish next time.

Fly the Wireless Skies
I caught this in USA Today this morning at the coffee shop: airlines will soon offer high-speed internet and cellphone service on their flights. I've always been hesitant to bring my laptop with me on flights, mostly because of the delays they cause with security. But if I knew I could check my e-mail or surf the web - especially on a long flight - that would be great. However, I'm not sure I want to sit next to some dope yakking away on his or her cell phone during a long flight.

"Oh yeah, we just got on the plane... No, we haven't gotten any drinks yet, we haven't even taken off yet... You know what, I think I want a pillow, I just leaned against the window and it's cold... So where are you right now? Oh yeah? Mmm, coffee sounds good right now... No... No, they won't bring the drinks until we take off... Oh, I think we're taking off now, the stewardess is doing the put-your-seat-belt-on-your-oxygen-mask-is-here thing... You know, I wish I could afford first-class, these seats are tight... maybe the guy next to me can find an empty seat after we take off... Ha ha! Yeah, people should lose weight... I bought 'Digital Fortress' for the flight... Dan Brown... Yeah, I loved "The Da Vinci Code," I told you, you have to read it..."

On the bright side, I'd have internet access and could immediately complain about this jackass on my blog...

Another Reason I Should Bring My Camera Everywhere
But where I should've been today is at the Iowa City Sheraton Hotel. "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a photographer."